I figured I would start up a weekly sort of thing so that I had a reason to post regularly. We'll see how long that lasts...
Anyway, the first Saturday Night Rant is below.
It's a Love-Type Thing
I was at a wedding this evening when I ran in to an old crush of mine. We'd made out a couple of times and had even gone so far as oral, but nothing seemed to draw further than that. He was about a year younger than man, but whatever.
So, I have to say, he looked good. But, unfortunately, he didn't seem to recognize me and I wasn't about to go "Hey, remember me? I'm that guy that used to suck your cock!"
The night went on, I took a few pictures. Then my friend Hannah, her mother was the bride, pointed out her cousin and his boyfriend to me. I smiled and gave the obligatory "aww" and talked to her for a bit. That's when I looked up and realized I'm really alone and it bugs me but doesn't.
It's a hard thing to explain. I don't know so much what I mean when I say this. But It's sort of like... Like you're happy but there's that little voice in the back of your head that keeps saying "Yeah, you say you're happy, but.."
So, anyway, I was kinda starting to realize that maybe I'm not as happy as I thought I was. I blamed my single life on my little podunk town, but how could that be if these two guys had found each other? Okay, might not be the town.
I tried to talk to this guy I'd known when I was young and it was so awkward. He either didn't remember me or didn't want to... And then I thought maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just not wantable. There's something fundamentally wrong with me that makes me incapable of relationships...
But what should I believe? Is it my town? Is it my own fault? Is it society's fault? Why do I feel alone and ashamed when I should be proud and surrounded by people that love me and that I love? What on earth are we supposed to believe?
Who should we blame for the pain loneliness brings? I just don't understand what I should feel. I want to be happy, I really do. But when every aspect of your life seems to turn itself against you and you're getting no where, what do you do?
I watched Hannah's cousin and his boyfriend interact. Dance, whisper to each other, gentle touches here or there... I watched it and I wanted it. Instead, I was left with a table full of people I barely knew or didn't get along with. Why had a shown up? Oh, right... I was getting paid for the pictures.
I tried to bury myself in the work there, taking shots of the bride and groom, people having fun. but it just got to me further. It got to the point where Hannah was asking me what was wrong. I lied and said I was just tired. I didn't need to bother her with my stupid inner workings...
So, I still don't know exactly what it's all about, really...
What do you think?